The Downstairs Maid Page 42

  ‘Marry you …?’ she said on a breathless note. ‘You don’t … you can’t mean it. Nicolas, have you thought what it would mean?’

  ‘I’ve thought of it a thousand times and I know what I’m saying. I didn’t ask you when you married Johnson, Emily. It seemed too difficult, and I knew you felt you owed him something – but I’ve regretted it so many times. I want you to be my wife. I love you so much … without you, life just isn’t worth living. To hell with all the rest, I want you …’

  ‘Nicolas, I do love you so …’ Emily blinked hard, still unable to believe it. ‘Are you sure? Would you be willing to take on my brother? He isn’t just like other children and will always need to be looked after …’

  ‘He’s your brother, Emily,’ Nicolas said. ‘Besides, I like children …’

  ‘I wouldn’t want you to feel obliged …’

  Nicolas moved towards her, taking her into his arms. His mouth sought hers and he kissed her, long and sweetly. When he let her go at last, she was trembling. Her throat caught as she gazed up at him.

  ‘I want you so much. I know it won’t be easy. My family will not like it – but I can’t give you up again, Emily.’ There was a little sob in his voice. ‘I couldn’t bear to lose you a second time.’

  ‘I’ve loved you all the time, Nicolas. I was wrong to marry Christopher. It wasn’t a proper marriage – and that hurt him. I did what I thought right but perhaps I was wrong …’

  ‘Don’t be sorry,’ Nicolas said. ‘You did what you thought was best and that is one of the reasons I love you, Emily. You’ve always done the right thing and you’ve put others first. Now it’s time to let me help you. Marry me, be my wife, and I’ll take care of you and Jack. I love you and I’ll love him.’

  ‘Oh Nicolas, are you sure?’ It seemed like an impossible dream. Could it really be happening?

  ‘Yes, if you are.’ He took her hands, gazing down at her with love. ‘If you wanted this place I would take on the lease for it and let you run it for yourself – but I would rather we married, if you could bear it?’

  ‘I don’t think I could bear not to now,’ Emily said, her throat working with emotion. ‘But what of your family? Will they accept our marriage?’

  ‘If they love me they will, but if not …’ Nicolas held her strongly, refusing to let her go as she pulled back. ‘It’s you I want, Emily darling. I want you to pack a few things for you and Jack. I’m going to take you away with me now. We’ll go to the seaside for a few days. Afterwards, I’ll take you to the manor to meet my parents as my wife. If they refuse to accept you, I’ll find a house for us. I have some property, which I’ve let for the duration of the war, but I can find a house for us to let until I’m home for good and then we’ll have a place of our own.’

  ‘What if they won’t …?’

  ‘No doubts, Emily,’ Nicolas said and kissed her again. ‘I’m not a rich man, my darling. I have some money my grandfather left me, but most of it is in property. I’ve always expected to work for my living and I may make a career of flying – perhaps in commercial aviation, which I believe will be the thing of the future. I’ll provide for you and Jack, and any children we have.’ He kissed her hands, which were red from scrubbing the floors, but when she tried to pull them away in shame, Nicolas wouldn’t let her. ‘Go on, pack a few things and we’ll go – I don’t want to waste a moment of the time I shall have with you.’

  Emily went through to the bedroom to collect a few of her decent things. When she went to collect Jack’s clothes, she found that Nicolas already had the boy in his arms. He handed Jack to her and took the cases she’d packed.

  Emily stopped in the bar downstairs, telling Vera that she was going away for a few days. It would be time enough when she returned to give the girl her notice and arrange for her personal things to be cleared. She gave Vera the keys, knowing that she could trust the girl to look after the bar while she was gone; it might not be run as she’d run it, but it hardly mattered now.

  Leaving the pub, she settled Jack in the tiny back seat of Nicolas’s automobile and slid into the front beside him. He smiled at her and she felt her heart soar. It was so wonderful that she could scarcely believe what had happened.

  Nicolas was here with her and he wanted to marry her. Nothing else mattered.

  ‘It’s so beautiful here,’ Emily said as they stood together on the cliffs late one evening and looked out at the sea as the sun began to set. ‘I’ve never been to such a lovely spot, Nicolas. Look at the way the sea seems to boil and thrash about those rocks and send white spray into the air – and the colour of the sky as it touches the sea. It’s almost as if someone has set a torch to it … orange and red and gold with dark blue streaks …’

  ‘That’s poetry,’ Nicolas said, looking at her lovingly. ‘I didn’t know you had the soul of a poet, my darling.’

  They had driven down to Cornwall in Nicolas’s motorcar, stopping now and then to eat or drink, and they’d spent one night in a hotel. He’d made love to her that evening and if either of them had entertained doubts, by morning they’d fled, because it was perfect. Their loving was so sweet and tender, so right that Emily knew they were meant to be lovers, meant to be together always.

  The next day Nicolas had gone to the registrar’s office and obtained a special licence so that they could marry without delay. The following day they continued their journey to the sea, where Nicolas had secured a beautiful suite for them. As a part of the hotel service, they were able to leave Jack in the evenings because the resident baby-sitter was paid to look after him. She was a pretty young woman and had formed an immediate bond with the child, making it easier for Emily to leave him sometimes. During the day, they mostly took him with them, buying him ice creams, sweets and showing him how to build sandcastles on a small secluded beach that was still open to the public, because it would be impossible for German ships to pass the rock barrier, around which the sea boiled and foamed. Jack was having a wonderful time and had started to call Nicolas Dada, which made him smile and throw the child into the air, catching him securely in loving arms.

  ‘If I sound poetic it must be because of all the wonderful things you write in your poems,’ Emily said and held his hand tightly. ‘I’m not sure that I noticed all the little things until you showed me your poems. A butterfly’s wings moving as if in slow motion as it sips nectar from a flower, the gossamer silk of a spider’s web glistening with dew in the white of morning …’

  ‘I shall have a rival,’ Nicolas said. ‘Don’t you know that you’re all my bright things wrapped in one, Emily? My poetry was often dark and painful until I found you – and now I see the joy in everything about me. Even a scurrying ant is beautiful now. When I’m up there floating above the clouds and it’s peaceful, my head is filled with you and what you mean to me.’

  ‘You should be thinking of getting back safe,’ she scolded and then leaned in to kiss his lips. Earlier they’d eaten shrimp from little tubs and he tasted of salt. ‘We’re so lucky, Nicolas. Do you think love is always like this … so fine and delicate that it makes you ache?’

  ‘Perhaps. I’ve never loved anyone else like this. I avoided all the young ladies my mother paraded for my benefit. I don’t know why you touched something inside me – but it was like a light going on, as if I’d never seen the world before. Always before there was a shadow, a darkness that gathered in my mind. You’ve banished the darkness and brought me into the light.’

  He took something from his pocket that looked like a silver watch, but then he pulled the winder off, held it to his eye and pressed a little knob on the side.

  ‘What is that?’

  ‘It’s a Ticker – what they call a spy camera. Jonathan bought it for me, because it slips into a pocket and I never have my box camera with me when I want it.’ He took a step back. ‘Pose for me, darling, put your head back so that your hair blows in the wind. I want some pictures to take with me.’

  Emily did as he asked, laughing at him and
twirling, gazing back at him over her shoulder. Then she held out her hand for the camera so that she could take a photo of him. Afterwards, Nicolas took pictures of Jack and Emily playing together. It was as if they were a real family and for the first time in years, she was aware of intense happiness. Love for this man curled inside her, making her ache with longing for the night when he would take her in his arms and love her once more.

  Nicolas’s face was so pale and intense, so sensitive that her throat tightened as she reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He’d washed it that morning and without the oil it was springy and curled beneath her fingers.

  ‘You make me want to cry. I’m not sure I’m worthy of such love.’

  ‘You’re worth far more. I’m not clever enough to tell you how much I adore you – or how much I need you.’

  ‘I love you, Nicolas. I only know that I never expected to love like this or to be loved in return. I still can’t believe it’s real.’

  ‘It’s as real as we are,’ he said and stroked her cheek. ‘Whether we exist or we’re all part of some god’s dream I’m not sure. Humans are such puny creatures we must be here for the amusement of some higher being don’t you think? They watch from on high and laugh as we struggle with the adversities they throw at us.’

  ‘That’s too deep for me,’ Emily said. ‘I just know that I want to love you and have your babies. Nothing else matters very much.’

  ‘Is that so? In that case I think we should return to the hotel and see what can be done to give you what you want, my darling Emily.’

  ‘You tease me and I love it,’ she said. ‘But it’s true. You are my life. Loving someone is all that really matters.’

  ‘Yes, I know. I used to be tortured by the meaning of life, searching for the key – that elusive piece that would make it all worthwhile, but I’ve found it in you.’ He kissed her hand. ‘I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.’

  Emily clung to him, savouring each precious moment they spent together here by the sea. Nicolas was filled with confidence, but she could not quite banish her fears. How long would their perfect happiness last?

  Nicolas intended to stay here another three days and then they would go to the manor. Emily dreaded the moment when he told his family that they were married, because she knew in her heart that they would never accept her.

  Chapter 47

  ‘Are you nervous, darling?’

  Nicolas looked at Emily as they turned into the manor drive. It was the first time she’d really seen the grand frontage to advantage and she realised just how beautiful it was, its mellow yellow stone walls dreaming in the evening sunshine. Three storeys high with the attics above, its windows were long and elegant, reflecting the flame of the sky. This part of the house must be much newer, perhaps eighteenth century, while the buildings that housed the kitchens and servants’ halls were older, probably medieval with lower ceilings and overhanging roofs that made it dark inside except on very sunny days. The house looked even bigger from this vista and the realisation of just what she’d done hit home like a hammer blow. How could she ever belong in a house like this?

  ‘Your family will be so angry …’

  ‘They can’t really hurt us. If they refuse to acknowledge you I shall simply drive on to London. London would be convenient for me when I’m on leave – unless you would prefer to live locally?’

  ‘I don’t mind where we live – but I would prefer you were not estranged from your family, Nicolas.’ Emily breathed in deeply. ‘I shall understand if they don’t like me – but they mustn’t cut you off completely.’

  ‘If I have you I have all I need.’

  Emily smiled but didn’t answer. Her stomach was tying itself in knots and the palms of her hands were sweating. She knew Nicolas was more apprehensive about their reception than he would say, because a little nerve was flicking at the corner of his temple, but she had accepted that they might be turned from the door. However, as they got out of the car, the front door opened and Lizzie came flying out to meet them.

  ‘Nicolas dearest. I’m so glad to see you. We just got back from our honeymoon and walked into a horrid row. Father got your letter telling him you were married. He is sulking in his study and says he shan’t come out but Granny and Mama are in the small front parlour waiting for you. They’ve agreed a truce for the moment because they both say they are determined to see you whatever Papa says.’

  ‘They must see Emily as well or I shan’t stop,’ Nicolas said. ‘Say hello to Emily. She’s my wife, Lizzie – and she makes me very happy. And this is her brother Jack. They are both a part of my family now.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ Lizzie turned to Emily with a smile. ‘I hope we shall always be friends because Nicolas is my very best friend in the world.’

  ‘I should be honoured to be your friend,’ Emily said and held out her hands, her throat catching. ‘We both love Nicolas so we should be able to love each other.’

  ‘You’re my sister now,’ Lizzie told her. ‘I don’t care what anyone else thinks or says. I’m glad you’ve married Nicolas, because it makes him happy.’

  ‘Thank you, dear heart,’ Nicolas said. ‘I shall bring Emily in to meet Mama and Granny – but then I need to speak to Father.’

  ‘He might not see you.’

  He reached for Emily’s hand. ‘Bear up, my love. It isn’t the end of the world if they disapprove of us.’

  ‘Of me,’ Emily said and laughed. ‘I’ll bear it as best I can, my love. Just stay with me for a while please.’

  ‘Of course.’ He held her hand, drawing her towards the small front parlour. ‘We might as well face the lions straight away and get it over with …’

  Emily held his hand tightly. Lizzie had offered to take Jack to the kitchen and give him a glass of milk and some biscuits, and Emily had agreed. Miss Lizzie probably wanted to avoid the confrontation with her mother and grandmother and was no doubt glad that she no longer had to live at the manor.

  Her head high, Emily controlled her nerves as they entered the parlour. Lady Barton was standing by the window, while Lady Prior sat straight and stiff in her chair. Seeing the disapproval in their eyes, Emily’s worst fears were realised. They resented her being brought into their family and would never welcome her to their home, but because they cared for Nicolas they were willing to tolerate her.

  She remained standing by his side as he made the introductions. Both ladies inclined their heads to acknowledge her but neither uttered a word of welcome.

  ‘You might have told us of your plans, Nicolas,’ Lady Barton said coldly. ‘Your father is very angry. He instructed me to refuse you, but you are my son … whatever you choose to do.’

  ‘And Emily is my wife, Mama. If you wish to see me you must accept her, because I love her and I will not have her insulted.’

  ‘What is done is done,’ Lady Prior said. ‘Since you chose to marry the gel we must accept it – but your father is not pleased. However, while I live you will be received here, and of course your wife.’ She looked down her long nose at Emily, clearly displeased with what she saw.

  ‘Thank you, Granny,’ Nicolas said. ‘Emily, I suggest you go upstairs. Mrs Marsh will show you where. You will want to rest and look after Jack …’ He squeezed her hand and she smiled at him gratefully, glad to escape.

  The interview with Lord Barton was bound to be stormy and she would prefer not to be involved.

  Going out into the hall, she saw Mrs Marsh lingering, as if awaiting the call. Emily asked to be taken up to their room and the housekeeper inclined her head.

  ‘Very well, madam,’ she said. ‘Please come this way.’

  ‘I’m still Emily …’

  Mrs Marsh looked at her. ‘No, madam, you are Mrs Nicolas – and the staff will address you correctly. I know what is due to the family.’

  Feeling rebuked, Emily followed her up the main stairs. She knew her way via the servants’ stairs but she had never actually been to the bedrooms by this route. Si
nce Mrs Marsh had made her feelings clear, she made no further attempt to make conversation.

  Alone in the room she would share with Nicolas while they stayed here – if they stayed here – Emily sat on the edge of the bed and hugged herself. She was shivering with cold, because somehow this felt wrong. While she was alone with Nicolas she could forget the wide divide between their worlds, but here at the manor she realised just what she’d done by marrying him. He could lose his whole family because of her – and even if his mother and grandmother received her there would always be a barrier between them.

  She had been sitting there for some minutes when someone knocked at the door and then Lizzie entered.

  ‘Jack is with Mrs Hattersley. She is making a fuss of him so you need not worry about him. How did it go downstairs?’

  ‘Your mother and grandmother were polite, Miss Lizzie,’ Emily said. ‘They were not warm or welcoming but they were polite. I can accept that. It isn’t easy to accept a servant as one of the family.’

  ‘You mustn’t call me Miss Lizzie now. We are sisters now. Just because you worked for us it doesn’t mean you’re worth less than we are. If Nicolas is right, you’re worth more than the lot of us put together.’

  ‘Nicolas loves me. You mustn’t think I’m more than I am. I shall try not to let Nicolas or his family down, but I know I’m not what you expected or wanted for him.’

  ‘I didn’t think he would marry. He used to disappear when young ladies came to tea. I’m glad he found you, Emily. It must be awful doing what he does every day, especially for someone of his nature. Having you at home waiting for him will make him more careful.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Emily smiled. ‘I’m never going to be the wife your family would have preferred – but we are truly happy.’

  ‘I think Nicolas is lucky …’ Lizzie broke off as she heard the sound of running feet and then Mary rushed into the room. ‘Mary, we were talking privately. You should have knocked …’